end of an era

so, i was rocked with some stout news this week...my principal resigned. effective june 30. yep. he's done. i felt the rug being snatched from under me.

this man. this principal. this friend. this PROFESSIONAL. this person i respect muchly (to borrow wick's nonword).

damn, i so thought if i could just blog about it i would feel better, more positive, but i find that i cannot find the path for my emotions to funnel through my fingers onto the keyboard. sorta sad. it is indeed the end of an era. ever the tactful professional, he said, there comes a time when the change is so great that you can't just bend and flex. you must either get on board or leave. i'm leaving. wow. wow. and wow again. leave he must to be true to his beliefs. that, my peeps, is the pure definition of integrity. how can i not respect that?

and now, because i do respect him and because i have always attempted to live my life with integrity and grace (not doing so great on the graceful part), i find myself faced with the same realization. the change is indeed great. and i truly do embrace change WHEN IT PROPELS YOU CLOSER TO GREATNESS, not so much when it's regressive. and i fear, deep inside me, i fear that these changes are stifling and regressive, creating an oppressive environment. it's difficult to breathe. so i am faced with the choice...get on board. or find another place to teach.

yeah, i know that principals come and go. this is not so much about him leaving as it is about staying true to me. for 13 years, i woke up thinking woo-hooooo i get to go to school and be with kids all day. and those years have not all been gravy- lots of trials and tribulations. but it didn't deter me from bounding out of bed and making my way to school. now...i don't feel that way. i hate coming...and it's not the kids. it's the dictatorial attitude and abusive tone set, well jeez, it was set in august at the opening convocation. i'm no leader but i'm a damn good follower, thus making me an expert on leaders. i know what works. and i know that relationships and respect are critical skills that effective leaders develop. oh yeah, you can sling your weight around by bringing peeps to the knees, by beating them into submission with the "gotchas" and impossible flaming hoops to jump through. sure. you can try that. but ya know...after a while, ya might wanna look around and see if anyone is behind you, o omnipotent leader.

it occurs to me that a "leader's" need to micromanage and dictate and beat down is borne of deep-rooted insecurities. sigh, these must be killer. micromanaging and nitpicking may give one a sense of power- i'm doing this to you to show you that i can- but in the end, it will drain and zap strength.

the question is.... am i willing to stick it out and see where this is going? to really try to get on board? half of me is tempted to call a meeting with the powers that be and lay it all out...half of me really is tempted to whip them the bird and walk away. life is so short. and so precious...why should i subject myself to daily misery and a feeling of dread and impending doom when i walk into my building? and on the other hand, why should i be reactionary? why am i unable to just leave work at work? i've given much thought to that query. bottom line is that i just cannot. teaching is not a job. it's what i do. it fulfills me.

will leaving make me weak? a quitter? will staying kill me? will leaving grant me the opportunities i need to grow and learn more? will staying suck the passion out of me? will it make me complacent? one of those 7:30 to 3:30 teachers i so despise? sigh...what is it? what's the right thing to do? i can't find my gut...it's being overshouted by the emotions richocheting through me...the anger, the indignation, the need to rebel, the urge to fight being locked in a box, the disappointment. it's difficult to work for someone i do not respect. can i learn to respect? that remains to be seen-- some things will have to be fixed first... someone will have to do some growing, some letting go...and i am not so sure that can happen.

dunno if anyone will find this lil spouting off i needed to do. dunno if it really matters. i feel a wee better, and i know i have much to ponder. just gotta trust that my gut will find its loud voice with the quickness, and i'll find my way.

until then, i salute my principal's integrity. i respect his courage. i admire his leadership skills. and i wish him the best of the best. it truly is the end of an era...