...about rocks

so i've been thinkin about rocks, pebbles, and sand: more specifically how it applies to me and the way i'm living my life.

i'm extremely frustrated by school stuff; i feel that my professional life is sort of in a shambles, which is pretty hard for me to wrap my brain around...but anyway, i'm wondering how the rocks and pebbles and sand theory applies to my professional life--- not all the paperwork and the flaming hoops through which we are forced to hurl ourselves, but more specifically- my students.

one in particular stands out...she's so rude and so crude and loud and hard and disruptive and disrepectful. am kinda tired of playing her game. when things go her way, it's gravy. but if someone looks at her wrong, speaks to her wrong, anything-- she goes off. loud. rude. i wanna smack her mouth. calling home is useless. writing referrals is a waste of time. she's spent many hours with our school counselor...for a bit, that worked. nope. not any more. she has given up. i am tired. i'm on the verge of giving up on her too. why the hell should i continue to beat my head against a very hard brick wall if she doesn't care about herself enough to lift a finger and try? she doesn't want to be reached. She doesn't want to be helped. She is just difficult. if i saw the glimmer of hope i saw before, it would be different. but sometimes i wonder why i'm spending so much energy only to have it shoved back in my face...why am i not spending this energy on a kid that i can save? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i tell ya.

i feel disheartened and disappointed. i feel like i've let her down and i know she's let me down. worse, she's let herself down...along with almost every other adult in her life. when i stop and think about her home life (or nonlife) i can so see why she's hard, why she's mean, why she's loud. she's an afterthought...how painful must that be? but oh my...how difficult she makes it for someone on the outside to give a damn.

so is she a rock? is she a pebble? is she a grain of sand? how does she fit in with the other 137 i have to find energy for?

what indeed are my professional rocks? should they not be kids? isn't that what we're here for? has the state dept lost sight of that? because all they seem to care about are test scores and money...same with the district leaders. just what is their driving motivator? it's damn sure not the kids who stream onto those yellow buses at the end of the day.

sigh again.