all over the map and i like it like that...don't i?

not really...heh heh, being scattered truly drives me up the wall but that's just who i am and so i have to accept that as part and parcel of the package i guess

here's a thought i came across the other day that i've allowed to simply roll around in my head til now...

"appreciate the time you have. do not feel driven to fill it up without stopping to reflect on your life."

there.
now.
what ya think 'bout all that?

i'm not sure what I think about all that! I do want to appreciate the time i have; i don't believe i allow myself much true down time-- not alone anyways. i do feel driven to fill up my time- not necessarily to avoid anything (at least, i don't think so) but to be productive. see, gram and gramps didn't believe in idleness. we were busy from the time we got up until after dinner mess was cleaned...then was time to bathe and put on pj's and relax with book or tv til bed- i went to bed between 9 or 9:30 so there wasn't much of that going on. i suppose that need to be busy, to be productive is deeply engrained. i have a difficult time just doing nothing. it's hard for me to sit in front of the tv without something else to do. jeez, i can't even go to the bathroom without something to do-- either sudoku or school work (like last night) or a food magazine where i'm clipping recipes and planning menus. it's kinda nuts. and being the reflective, overly analytical gal that i am, i wonder if i still feel that need to be productive for real or is it an avoidance technique. ugly truths and all that, i think that once my marriage went sour, i pushed myself into overdrive on the productivity just to avoid all sorts of things that i simply didn't wanna deal with. i'm not proud of that; but i recognize it and it's a pattern i'm scrutinizing. wonder if it's an unhealthy pattern to break or if it's just a part of my busy-ness that sorta defines who i am.

to be a world class procrastinator, i sure as hell am a busy bee. maybe i take too much on; maybe i put too much off; maybe i'm just a scattered ass in search of meaning. maybe maybe maybe.

maybe what i need to do is allow myself to be all busy and productive but seek a balance- a balance that not only allows but encourages some down time. after all, balance tends to make me sane; balance is something i crave. so perhaps i need to make better decisions- hmmm, does this go back to the whole rocks theory? small and big rocks and pebbles? maybe i need to label my big rocks and make sure i have time for them before i fill in all the pebbles and sand that i seem driven to do. hmmm

so why don't i do this? i'm gonna run an errand, get my tail home, crack open a beer, and i'm gonna just chill out-- find a chunk of time (even if only 20 minutes) to do nothing but just breathe and live and love.

toodles!