just a thought or three

was thinkin about choices, well i was really thinkin about a whole lotta things, but i kept coming back to choices, so let's just say i was thinkin about choices. sigh, i didn't wanna give the impression i was just randomly CHOOSING to think about choices- i was just following a random train of thought born of my reaction to a random comment by a colleague. with me? sigh...DEEP SIGH. i figured not but oh well, i'm off and running and you can catch up or go amuse yourself elsewhere. it's all good. i'm really just talkin to myself anyways.

so...about choices. i'll be the first to admit that i am really embracing 2009 with a sense of relief that 2008 is over. 2008 was my year of letting go. in january, i made the choice to let go of my 18 year marriage. it was a good choice- for both of us. in march, i lost two of my three dogs and before i had a chance to feel my way through that awful experience, i lost my beloved gram. i chose to withdraw from almost everyone; i chose to go inside myself to heal; i chose to be alone. it was a good choice- for all of me. the thing of it is, i chose to heal. i chose to be healthy. i chose to move forward...to dump the toxins, to break some patterns, to lose some hate. i've a friend who has had a similar year...she has made lots of choices too. granted...situations color choices and sometimes you can't control situations; therefore your choices may be different or limited. i get all that. but it seems to me that you always have the choice to heal, to be healthy, to move forward and dump toxins, break patterns, and lose hate. it's a sad, sad moment when one chooses NOT to do all that. when one chooses to keep all that shit in, it poisons everything, choking back common sense, creating monsters, breathing power into the baddies. this person is bitter. she's angry. she's mean. she's spiteful and catty. and i'm so lost. i don't know her any more. and i'm not so sure i wanna.

at first, i felt torn about turning my back on a friend, but this woman is no longer a friend- not in the truest sense of the word. we've gone there- talked about this issue, talked about letting go of the bitterness, the anger, the hate-- to no avail. not happening. if anything, i see it worsening. and so i'm left here in the dark wondering if i need to dump this toxin. it hurts. this choice with which i'm faced... but her poison is leaking out everywhere and i'm growing weary of wading through it.

my edges would be cleaner. but what of hers? and is that my cross to bear? my pleas fell on deaf ears...she cannot see, she cannot hear. her hatred has blinded her.